Trying To Be Human

Going Offline

2008-06-12T14:22:00.000-07:00

Taking a little break from the OC to tend to some offline business--namely work, which has gotten quite crazy in the last week or so. I'll be back soon!

What Happens Tomorrow?

2008-06-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

In honor of the low I rang in at after lunch today (56), I thought I'd list all the symptoms of hypoglycemia I've had over the years:

Mouth & tongue going numb
Mental confusion
Irrational thinking (I need juice, not glucose tabs...!)
Blind spots in both eyes (during Officially Scary lows)
Sudden onset of depression/sad thoughts
Shortness of breath
Chest pain
Shaking hands
Excessive chattiness (this one drives my DH nuts sometimes)

And, most recently, tingling in my limbs/extremities. Right now my left arm apparently enjoys favored nation status for this particular phenomenon...no idea why, it just starts when I'm going below 70 mg/dl. It's like my elbow is a tuning fork when I'm hovering in the 50s. Weird.

Like all things associated with the D, I'm sure this too shall pass. At least I can still tell when I'm low, for the most part. How about you all out there in OC-land?

Friday Night Videos

2008-05-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

You had to love Kool and the Gang. Whether at someone's party or at a school dance, you were sure to hear at least one of their songs back in the '80s. Of course "Celebration" is still a popular pick, but I also liked less frequently played hits--like this one from 1983, "Tonight":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3sm3--EnfM

As Tubbs from "Miami Vice" would say..."Solid!" {:-) Have a great weekend, everyone!

Road Trip

2008-05-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

This past weekend my husband and I attended a family reunion in Kentucky. We decided to drive from Chicago due to the sky-high airfares, which meant 6+ hours on the highway each way. Our annual trip always includes a visit to Natural Bridge State Park, which soothes the senses after a long day of traveling. Take a peek here: http://parks.ky.gov/findparks/resortparks/nb/gallery/.

Managing diabetes on the road can be tricky, even under the best of circumstances (such as a non-PWD to take turns driving, which my DH did quite often). For me it helps to keep a nonstop supply of fluids going in, which means more frequent bathroom breaks. I also need to eat on a more regular schedule than usual. Apart from other standard precautions (juice on hand, testing before driving and also during the trip), these two things go a long way toward staving off unwelcome highs and lows.

A couple of times, however, the D reared its ugly head at inopportune moments. I dropped to 57 while navigating through crazy Indianapolis traffic, and during a tense morning I went from 124 to 370 in the space of an hour after misjudging my carbs at breakfast. I wasn't myself at either time, and I'm not proud of it (note to self, don't discuss sensitive issues with DH while high or low). It just seems that the normal pains of travel take a little more out of me than the average bear. Sometimes it's hard to get that across to the non-PWD population...

For now it's back to work and the routine. Ugh :( Hope everyone out in the OC had a good holiday!

Friday Night Videos: Memorial Day Edition

2008-05-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

This week's selection is dedicated to three special veterans:

My father (U.S. Army, Vietnam, 1964-66);
My brother (U.S. Air Force, Gulf War I/Kosovo campaign, 1991-1994);

and my husband (U.S. Army, Cold War, 1982-1986)

To them, and to all veterans, you have my humble thanks. May we Americans continue to honor your oath: to "support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic." Happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPudiBR15mk

Say Hello to My (New) Little Friend

2008-05-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Due to a Vista upgrade on my home computer, I found myself needing a boost in the meter department as well. My old piece o'crap cheapie model was reliable but slow, and data was difficult to upload. Using Vista also meant losing the ability to log in to the Web-based data management software for the thing, which of course only works on XP/Internet Explorer 6. So thanks to an online freebie offer, I now use the OneTouch Ultra II. So far I'm liking it -- amazing how going from a 10 to 5 second wait for results makes life that much easier :-) And the data uploading capability, so far, is a gem. (Yay! If I had to manually enter all my results I'd go mad.)

I'm no fan of the black zippy case that came with it, however. I always carry my insulin bottles and syringes with my meter, and there was nowhere to put them. So I'm working on a solution...my choice right now is a $5 bag I got at Walgreens:

I've looked at some of the nicer meter cases online, but nothing fits my tastes (or budget) right now. I'm also trying desperately to avoid carrying a yet-larger purse to hold all my stuff. Ah, the joys of being a girl with diabetes :-) But, more importantly, we'll see if the OneTouch helps keep me in the 5% club come July, when I have my next A1C done.

Now, about those Mac commercials...really, Apple, aren't you over this by now...?!?

I Get Weeeird...

2008-05-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by Cara in the latest meme-o-thon. So here come my 10 little oddities!

10) I cannot stand being followed too closely while walking down the street. I'll actually stop and pretend to get a text message or something, just to let the other person go by.

9) Though I'd like to think I'm not secretly OCD ;-), I do rearrange the money in my wallet so that all the bills are in order by denomination--makes it easier to zip through the check-put line. Sometimes I even make sure they're facing the same way. Then I count my change and make sure I have certain combinations (six quarters, five dimes, etc.)...Aaaaaaahhh...!

8) In high school I played alto saxphone, as previously posted. Since then I've probably only played a few times. I used to dream of performing on stage in a band, but alas...

7) I'm distantly related to a former President, Warren G. Harding, on my mother's side of the family. As my fellow Americans may recall from elementary school, he was considered by many to be one of the "worst" U.S. commanders in chief. Not sure how he stacks up nowadays...!

6) I learned beginner-level American Sign Language for an old job. To this day I can still carry on a very basic conversation.

5) Speaking of hearing, I'm also completely deaf in my left ear due to congenital nerve deafness. I've never worn a hearing aid, although my husband sometimes swears I need one!

4) Some of the places I really want to see someday are California, London, Moscow, Germany, Australia, Chile and Tokyo. I would especially love to go on a literary tour of London and/or England. So far I've been to Ireland, Scotland, Wales, western England, Canada, and the Bahamas.

3) And speaking of Oz, my birthday happens to fall on Australian Independence Day (Jan. 26). I'd love to celebrate it Down Under someday, watching the fireworks in a summer sky :-)

2) I have a "Rain Man"-like ability to remember numbers, especially phone numbers. I can't usually remember then the first time I hear or read them, but once they're burned into my brain they're permanent. (I still remember my best friend's phone number from childhood!)

1) And finally, I'm grateful for the memories of growing up in the house my great-grandfather built in 1911, where my grandfather and my father also grew up. Three generations of my family also attended the same two grade schools in my old neighborhood. In a big city like Chicago, this is rare indeed.

If you've read this far and haven't participated, consider yourself tagged!

Friday Night Videos

2008-05-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

I loved INXS. Poor Michael. Enjoy and remember a great band!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=by6uESG9TGg

Gratuitous Cat Post

2008-05-14T13:11:00.000-07:00

Behold El Magnifico {:-) We've had him (or is it the reverse?!) for two years now. He's always been a morning cat, but I've noticed he gets especially agitated if I have a classic 3AM low. Anyone else have a furball who can tell your blood sugar level, as if by magic?

Poor kitty, he isn't feeling well today. Get well soon, my little beast...(If you like, check out his blog at http://vivaelmagnifico.blogspot.com/)

Eyeballs: Check

2008-05-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

Continuing in the grand tradition set forth by fellow OC'ers Scott, Donna, Landileigh and Cara, I present my eyeballs for your consideration (eek!). My retinas, I am happy to report, are fine. There's no evidence of changes, the pesky microaneurysm in my left eye is gone, and my glaucoma pressure readings were 16 and 14. Woo hoo!

Wee Paws for Identification

2008-05-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

Taking a break this week due to a busy work schedule. Will be back soon!

Friday Night Videos

2008-05-02T11:15:00.000-07:00

Time for a lighter subject...

Ah, the saxophone, the staple of many a song in the 1980s. Something about those tunes lent themselves to the silky, sensual sound of a sax in the middle eight, coming back around near the end for a last round in the fading chorus. Of course, being a certifiable geek back then I just had to be in the band in high school...and guess what instrument I played?!

So here's to my old friend the alto sax, and to the good old days of playing along (quite badly, out of tune, and squeaking my reeds the whole time) with my favorite songs on the radio. Happy weekend, dear OC'ers!

Hall & Oates: "Maneater"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap-OO0xqTe4

Billy Joel: "New York State of Mind"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2ewog0EvSw

Duran Duran: "Rio"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpqFsKTHPio

Corey Hart: "Never Surrender"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIyv4drrgeo

Bruce Springsteen: "Dancing in the Dark"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk8VZgJkpeg

The Baby Dance

2008-04-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

Warning: serious post ahead!

Being an anonymous blogger has its benefits. But I still struggle with revealing my thoughts on some topics, and this recent news is one of them. I've always had a very conflicted, highly personal opinion about having children; Nicole has broached this subject before, and some others have too. Here's my say.

I've never been told I couldn't have kids, but no one ever pretended it was an easy thing for a PWD to do. My family never really talked about it when I was first diagnosed; I think the then-imperfect tools for diabetes care posed enough of a daily struggle for them, and having 'the talk' with your teenager is tough without diabetes (!). In my 20s, I had the typical challenges of any young person nowadays trying to build a stable adult life for myself. Diabetes has always been happy to take advantage of any spare energy--or finances--I may have had along the way, but it didn't really stop me. Had I made it more of a priority to settle down back then, a baby or two (and a father!) might well have come along. I don't know if the ticking clock would have been louder had I not had diabetes; I just know that, for me, it wasn't in the cards at the time.

Since I've been married, people have asked me when I'm going to start a family. And this is when it gets difficult for me to write about the subject (even among you, my wonderful OC friends). I like to keep private things private, as they say, especially with such an intensely personal topic. But where diabetes is concerned, I'd have to say my outlook on having a baby is like my attitude toward a cure: a nice thought, and perhaps a possibility, but not something I actively seek out or wish for every day. God has already been kind to me, sparing my eyes and hands, my feet and life, especially after some rebellious younger years when I probably did fewer tests in a month than I do in a three-hour period nowadays.

I also don't know how fair it would be to a child to have me for a mother, someone who might become ill and be a burden to them, a weight on the whole family, or worse, leave them too young. And then there's the frenetic worrying, which occupies me too much of the time already. I would never forgive myself if a child of mine had to deal with diabetes too. All of the nightmarish possibilities down that path quickly drain my enthusiasm whenever I hold my little niece's hand, or smell her baby-soft hair. In my heart I think: I just can't. Every extra sip of water, every moment of fatigue, every ounce of lost weight would send me into a tailspin. I don't know how some mothers do it--in my own family, some have gone through pregnancies with gestational diabetes without so much as a follow-up for mom or baby, or a worry about a future monster lurking for both of them.

But I haven't closed the door, so to speak. I seek out God when this subject comes up, in public or private, and I pray for guidance. Sometimes even a control freak PWD like me realizes every decision may not be mine alone. I also don't want to cast a downer on the parents of kids with type 1 out there, especially those of little girls. Things have changed so quickly in the world of D care, it's no surprise children nowadays can achieve the kinds of A1Cs some grown-ups would love to have {:-) Everyone's journey is unique. And the same goes for my fellow OC'ers, who may have different views. Your diabetes may vary, of course. I just wish sometimes that I were braver about making decisions with mine, especially the big L-I-F-E ones. I wish I had the imagination to see a world with children as a real possibility instead of an abstract thought.

The Mind Reader

2008-04-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not liking my numbers these days. It's nothing dramatic, but I'm spiking in the 200s after meals more often than I would like. Of course, all this started happening just after I caught myself thinking, "Wow, my averages look really good, I've really got my blood sugars under control."

It could be stress, or hormones, or the particular version of ick going around in my neck of the woods. But why is it that I suspect diabetes is able to read my thoughts and know when to throw me for a loop? How does it know when to pull a fast one on me? What is it about this disease that makes it such a head game?

Ugh...oh well, it's Monday. Here's to better days--and numbers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SJzeuqYqO0

Friday Night Videos

2008-04-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

It seems the OC is in need of a little Zen this weekend, so I'm posting one of my absolute favorite songs from the 1980s--"Nightshift" by the Commodores. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlsfYDj2HWA

A Belated Earth Day Message

2008-04-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

Rolling Your Own

2008-04-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

Did your parents do it?

When was the first time you did it?

OK, class, minds out of the gutter (!) Insulin injections are a tricky topic for me. I didn't start off doing my own shots. Like everyone else I learned how to do them in the hospital--several unsuspecting oranges later, I successfully injected myself with saline a few times. I was nervous when the first "real" needle plunged into my body, perhaps more than anyone realized. But I played the role of compliant patient perfectly. At twelve, my doctor considered me mature enough to handle my diabetes on my own.

When I finally went home, though, all that changed. I didn't protest when my mom took over the first few days--"just to make sure you're all right", she said. She had worked in a hospital for nine years and was comfortable with needles. Those days stretched into weeks, then months. We silently fell into an arrangement: Mom would draw up my dose, carefully rolling the Lente bottle, mixing it and the Regular into a cloudy column inside the syringe. I would "try" to do the shot myself, and when I finally gave up after two or three half-hearted pricks, Mom would take over. We then dutifully marked off the site on my rotation sheet and forgot about the charade until the time for my next injection came around. This continued for about three years.

One summer day, I decided I'd do it on my own. For good. Mom didn't say anything, but she seemed relieved. Most of the time she still did the rolling and the mixing, but from that day on she never had to "help" me with the actual injections. I look back now and think of the pain she must have endured, sticking needles into her little girl. I never cried or complained, but it must have bothered her. I never meant to cause my mom any heartache. It was something unspoken, unintended. I thought she preferred it that way, and I liked having her take care of me. She used the backs of my arms a lot, or a leg in the warm months. For me, it was far easier to do abdomen sites, which I use 95% of the time to this day.

So, when did you take charge of your own care, fellow OC'ers? Did your parents "help" like mine?

Friday Night Videos

2008-04-18T08:45:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how dramatic the lighting, scenery and costumes were in movies back in the 80s? "Streets of Fire" came out in 1984 and, though it looked a lot like a Duran Duran video, was pretty entertaining:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6mp8HyR2Ck&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJGo2rvfSuA&feature=related

I liked "Eddie and the Cruisers" too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOQCdro5ijA&feature=related

Unbelievably, the star of both movies (Michael Paré) will be 50 this year. Ouch, I'm getting old...! :-) Happy weekend to everyone in the OC!

Your Comments...

2008-04-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

...on my last post were wonderful. They made me feel like this:

As Beth said, I love the OC!

We Still Matter.

2008-04-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

Hello. Remember us?

We are the children with diabetes.

For some of us, this was known as "juvenile diabetes". Others remember "sugar diabetes" or "brittle diabetes" as the words that left their doctors' lips.

Now we're all people with "type 1 diabetes". But no matter the name, our disease hasn't changed.

See us?

We're all grown up now. And no, we didn't outgrow our diabetes. It's still here, with us, every day, every hour, every minute.

Some of us take shots, some use pen needles, some use pumps. All of us use insulin. Insulin is life. Without it, we'd die. We would go back to the awful days when all we knew was thirst, endless, insatiable thirst. Hunger. Fatigue. Weight loss. Sleepiness, tempting us like a siren. Oh, no. Not that, ever again.

We're still here. We climb the same mountain every day, just to be "normal". We all hold hands and hang on when someone slips and falls. We all know the frightened look, the feeling of ground slipping out beneath our feet, when blood sugar dips too low. The intense overwhelming tiredness when levels soar high, higher than we admit. We know.

We are stronger than we ever imagined we could be. We survive. We are smart, tough, organized. Multi-taskers by nature. Honest. Courageous. Talented. Funny. Even a little OCD. Each of us is an inspiration, a hero. Some of us do amazing things. All of us are amazing beings.

Don't forget about us. We're still here, you see. Waiting patiently for a cure. For something to stop the daily assault. The bloodletting doesn't really bother us, and most of the time, neither do the insulin shots or site changes. No, it's not the pain. It's the lack of it. The not-knowing. The wondering. The panic rat, gnawing at our minds. Blindness. Numbness. Death. Or a life worse than death. No one knows how, or when, it will start. Or if.

But we are healthy, living, alive. We try, every day, to be just like everyone else.

We are the children with diabetes. We're still here. We matter.

Friday Night Videos

2008-04-11T05:00:00.000-07:00

Besides "The Terminator", I was a big fan of the "Alien" series in the '80s. Ripley is one of my favorite fiction heroines. And let's face it...she still kicks a**! );-)

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=x31yDEExrIA&feature=related

Happy weekend!

LIttle Rituals

2008-04-09T09:40:00.001-07:00

After reading some blogs, I think I might be the only diabetes OC'er who doesn't keep my meter next to my bed. Why? Because when I'm low late at night, I need to exert myself. I must force my body upright and awake. Goad my shaky legs into moving. Propel myself into the room where both meter and juice await. I must do this, every time. It makes me think about my actions. It compels me to be conscious, alert, aware of what's happening to me. I am so afraid of the alternative: falling back to sleep, testing but forgetting to treat the low, or forgetting that I forgot. It's happened to me before. (But before you wonder...yes, I do keep the emergency stash of flavored sidewalk chalk--er, glucose tabs--at bedside. I'd rather treat and not test if it's a bad one.)

I also never throw empty insulin bottles away anywhere but home. I've kept empties in my bag for weeks when traveling, just to avoid dumping them in foreign trash bins. Why? Don't know...I think it's my history of working in places where I've been a 'closeted' PWD. I'm pretty anal about hiding my test strip tracks, too. More than one horrified co-worker has seen dead strips and complained that "someone was leaving medical waste" in the office. (Sad, but true.)

I also prefer to be in a calm, quiet moment when taking my daily Lantus dose. Because I sometimes have trouble with leakage, I like to relax and take my time injecting. I find myself looking forward to my noon shot each day, just for this little bit of stillness.

In the olden days, I had to have juice to treat a low. I once refused a freshly peeled orange, because it was in the "incorrect format". Occasionally I still find myself ravenous at a vending machine, disregarding other fast-acting carbohydrates (like the sodas/juices RIGHT NEXT TO me), in search of my preferred Skittles.

Lists, lists, lists. Lists for everything. For medications, for prescriptions. For my cat. For my family. For my itineraries when traveling, with expected times of arrival, departure, and contact information for every stop in between. Appointment lists. Things-to-buy lists. Lists of things toask my doctor about. Color-coded lists when my now-husband came on board. When I got my first PDA a couple of years ago, I nearly cried. (Speaking of lists, back when I kept manual logs of my blood sugars, I used different colors of ink for morning, daytime and evening tests. When did I have that much time...?!)

And, finally, I must always wear my MedicAlert tag the same way: tucked just under my watchband, facing up and out, the symbol immediately recognizable to whomever may need to see it. I hope this is never necessary.

Oh, the OCD world of PWDs (:-) What are some of your rituals?

Where Will You Be in 2033?

2008-04-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was the movie we rented. "I Am Legend" was good, but unsettling. It got me to thinking about this, our current age of nihilism. Why are we so bent on destroying humanity (in film, if not in real life) these days? Between "I Am Legend" and other dark visions I've seen in recent years (like "Children of Men" and "28 Days Later"), it's hard to feel cheerful about the future direction of our kind. I was a huge fan of the "The Terminator" back in the '80s, yet somehow it had a different attitude. There was still some hope left in the face of dread--the future was "not set", and the main characters fought like hell to carve out a more peaceful alternative.

Then I logged in to Diabetes Daily and saw this thread. Reading the article it cited, this statement caught my eye: "The Joslin Diabetes Center has undertaken a study of patients who have survived with type 1 diabetes for more than 50 years. There are likely to be only 500 to 600 individuals in the United States who have been so fortunate." Being a type 1 for 25 years, I initially read this thinking I was lucky, since I'm halfway there. But the movie set off my imagination and, in the middle of the night, my mind started turning over the alternate endings. I have no complications...so far. My numbers and my A1Cs have been great...so far. I seem healthy...so far. I have yet to experience any "real" pain from this disease. But the suspense is killing me. When will the plot thicken? When will the true attack begin?

But there is hope, I realized. There are plenty of others out there to refute the statistics. People like the OC's very own Richard, who posted his inspiring story about living with type 1 for 60+ years. People like Bernard and Donna, and Scott and Kerri, and all of the other veterans who may not blog but continue to live well as PWDs. We live in an age of amazing medical advances, with powerful tools to help us fight the shadowy monsters of death and disability. As long as we have the will to keep trying, we can beat the odds. The future is indeed not set just by having diabetes.

Now, about that dog...

Friday Night Videos

2008-04-04T07:48:00.000-07:00

In honor of Dr. King, this week's Friday Night Videos is the 1984 classic "Pride (In the Name of Love)" by the world's greatest band...U2. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k04KzgYRKrE

Oh, great...just what we need...

2008-04-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

...a headline with the words "diabetes" and "terror" in the same sentence. Ugh.

http://www.canada.com/edmontonjournal/story.html?id=957a81e6-6c88-40ba-a8c7-d2433656b4c1&k=44269

Whatever happened to this poor guy, the news media will only inflame the situation by scaring the crap out of the misinformed masses. What next, revoking all type 1 driver's licenses?! What about his poor girlfriend and family?

In a similar vein, Bernard's talking about diabetes prejudice today. Head over to his blog and see what you think.

Today's a frustrating day to be a PWD.